My Heart

It's been such a whirlwind since Patrick was born. Things I thought I never could do, I've done. My heart is broken, hurting. No pain medicine can make it feel better. I'm trying to recover from surgery, focus on my boys, be supportive for my husband, and grieve the loss of my baby. Sometimes it feels surreal. Did this really happen?

I decided to spend an extra day at the hospital to try and recover more before coming home. I'm so glad I decided this. I didn't come home until Saturday morning. I thought I was ready to come home. Things had been all taken care of, at least I thought. As I'm waiting for my discharge paperwork to be completed, Jason came barging through the door of my room flustered and angry. We find out the hospital made a huge mistake with Patrick and our paperwork we had filled out for the funeral arrangements. Without going into details, all of my preparation ahead of time to make this as easy as possible for when we were in the hospital was all for nothing. The hospital blamed the funeral home and the funeral home blamed the hospital. Needless to say, I was hysterically crying and Jason was not the person who needed to fix this, so we called his parents who came to the rescue. All I can say is that without them, Patrick's funeral would have not happened until next week. I knew I couldn't wait that long, and thankfully we didn't have too. I just told Ray that I needed someone to fight for Jason and I and he said one of the nicest things I've heard in my life, "I'll fight for you, Jason, and Patrick." Patrick needed his Pa to make sure he was taken care of with dignity and respect and he was.

The funeral was postponed by just a few hours. All the people who we had invited were still able to make it. That was important to us. My friends from AECPTA prepared a wonderful lunch for our family and friends prior to the service. So many people took the time to come over and have lunch, pay their respects, and then attend Patrick's funeral. I felt so loved and supported and it gave our families a chance to see how important our friends are to us and how much they love us too.

Patrick's funeral was peaceful. When I was walking up to the garden, all I saw was the hole and I lost it. Hiding behind my sunglasses wasn't enough. I know everyone could hear me sob. I felt like my heart had jumped out of my body. I wanted to jump in the hole with my baby. I thought that I wasn't sure I was actually going to make it. As Jason and I sat down, Fr. Mike went to get Jason a towel as the sweat was pouring off his head. The church bells started to play. I think it was Immaculate Mary playing and was beautiful. I couldn't have planned it better. Fr. Mike then began the service, reading from scripture and also a letter he had. He blessed the hole with holy water, sprinkled rose petals into the ground, and then poured his ashes there. He began to fill the hole with dirt and asked our family and friends to do so if they felt they wanted too. Jason and I walked up and placed a scoop in ourselves. I couldn't even bend down to get the dirt or I would have put in more. Thankfully my brother, Jeff, was there. He came forward and began to fill in the hole. He just kept going and all I can think of was "he's doing this for me". I watched in awe of him as he was going to make sure he did all he could for me. It was my favorite moment of the whole funeral. I'll never forget it as long as I live. Then Jason's parents, Ray and Sue, took a turn. Then my parents, Jack and Cheryl. Lastly, Liz, went and poured in a scoop of dirt before Fr. Mike filled the rest in. After a short prayer, it was over. Several of our family members as well as Jason and I laid white roses on top of his little grave. It was finally over.

The last five months have been full of anxiety and questions. The final steps of this journey were over and now we can start to heal and keep Patrick as a part of our daily lives.